ROCK-CLIMBING LESBIANS DON'T CRY
By: Randy Gillis
I was sitting in my office, quietly minding my own business when I heard the back door open. I listened as Patricia raided the fridge for a Dew before continuing on to my office. I looked up from the computer and saw her standing in the doorway. "We won't so much as go to Walmart without at least 4 gallons of water...each," I proclaimed. "I have also ordered a cell-phone utility belt capable of holding 3 cell phones and 14 fully charged batteries. I also took the liberty of scheduling us both for surgically implanted GPS devices. Oh, and we will never climb...ANYTHING!"
She pulled up a stool and sat beside me. "What are you yammering on about?" she asked as she looked at the screen. "Oh, I get it," she said. "So how long have you been watching I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE?"
This is my 14th episode and I'm convinced that this is the greatest show on earth! I can't believe how much I've learned, starting with just exactly how totally for granted we take water...and chap stick. And that's just the beginning. I also learned that when the 'weather suddenly turns' and it ALWAYS turns, it never works to your advantage, and that being lost for a certain amount of time triggers an involuntary psychological mechanism that causes virtually 100% of people to start screaming when they hear a helicopter (which reminds me, I want the man who survived his plane crash AND the crash of the rescue helicopter that picked him up, to go with me to buy lottery tickets), and that some people (all of the ones on this show anyway) have a pathological need to leave their cell-phones in the gloove compartment.
"Which episode is this?" Patricia asked. "Two women are going for a hike. Oh, and we are never hiking again either," I added. "I'm not sure," I continued, but I think one of these girls is heterosexual." "Don't be ridiculous," Patricia said. "Heterosexual women don't hike. And what have I told you about that word," she scolded. "Look, " I protested, "when I say 'girl' it is a term of endearment. Fags call each other girl all the time. And I still say she is putting off a straight vibe."
As we watched, Patricia rattled off about a thousand things that the lead woman did wrong, like I couldn't figure out it's probably a bad idea to take someone with no rock-climbing experience up a vertical wall (I guess it's hard to put your foot down when you have a straight girl crush on your lesbian guide).
"I think you're right," Patricia conceded. "That woman might be straight. Hot, but straight." "Well, I think we both know what's going on here," I concluded. "She's obviously bi-curious and hopes to impress her older, wiser, butcher guide. But isn't an impromptu rock climb a bit extreme just to score some experimental 'P'?" I asked. "You don't know that's what she's doing! And for the last time, it's experimental 'V'!" Patricia screamed. "And just what the hell would you know about it anyway," she continued, "You're still stuck in the 'yawn with arm-stretch' phase."
We watched, riveted, as the women continued their climb. "I should take you rock climbing," Patricia said. "Yeah," I said, "maybe we could do that right after the triathlon and just before my iron man qualifying thingy." "Oh, you can do it," she said. "These women are just making bad decisions that's all." "First of all," I lectured, "climbers are born, not made." I pointed to the computer screen. "I give you examples A and B. One is a climber (who makes bad decisions) the other is a straight girl who can't climb (and makes bad decisions). But my point is, when both of these women wind up on this show, it is a clear indication that...RANDY WILL NEVER CLIMB!"
I told Patricia to be quiet, the end of the episode is coming, and with it, if the past 14 episode are an indication, a good cry. She scoffed at me. I watched as the women (screaming at the helicopter) are spotted. They embrace and are crying with joy. Cue inspiring music and......tears! It works every time, now for 15th time. Patricia usually laughs at me when I cry at movies. I'm usually thrilled to be crying. It means (as manipulated as it is) that I can still feel something.
Of course Patricia isn't laughing this time, she's too busy searching for a Kleenex.
She pulled up a stool and sat beside me. "What are you yammering on about?" she asked as she looked at the screen. "Oh, I get it," she said. "So how long have you been watching I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE?"
"Which episode is this?" Patricia asked. "Two women are going for a hike. Oh, and we are never hiking again either," I added. "I'm not sure," I continued, but I think one of these girls is heterosexual." "Don't be ridiculous," Patricia said. "Heterosexual women don't hike. And what have I told you about that word," she scolded. "Look, " I protested, "when I say 'girl' it is a term of endearment. Fags call each other girl all the time. And I still say she is putting off a straight vibe."
As we watched, Patricia rattled off about a thousand things that the lead woman did wrong, like I couldn't figure out it's probably a bad idea to take someone with no rock-climbing experience up a vertical wall (I guess it's hard to put your foot down when you have a straight girl crush on your lesbian guide).
I told Patricia to be quiet, the end of the episode is coming, and with it, if the past 14 episode are an indication, a good cry. She scoffed at me. I watched as the women (screaming at the helicopter) are spotted. They embrace and are crying with joy. Cue inspiring music and......tears! It works every time, now for 15th time. Patricia usually laughs at me when I cry at movies. I'm usually thrilled to be crying. It means (as manipulated as it is) that I can still feel something.
Of course Patricia isn't laughing this time, she's too busy searching for a Kleenex.
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