A WOMB WITH A VIEW

A WOMB WITH A VIEW

By:  Randy Gillis

 

I’m going to miss being an abomination.  It’s really the biggest kick I get out of being gay anymore.  Just knowing that my existence causes, oh, let’s just call them the ‘phobes’ (sorry AP, I’m just not ready to give up the word yet), loads of discomfort and agitation that often manifests as, oh, let’s just call it moralizing dribblings involving passionate descriptions of damnation (that usually involves distened neck veins) and totally vanilla descriptions of god’s mercy (that usually precedes a financial request).  It’s fun.  But alas, I fear those days are coming to an end.

You see, I just read in US News where scientists from the National Institute for Mathematical and Biological Synthesis have discovered the cause of fabulousness….again….they think.  I say they ‘think’ because their prose is littered with phrases like “seems to have an epigenetic, not genetic link,” and “suggests homosexuality is linked to epi-marks.”  

 

                                                                                           

As someone who uses an epi-lady on a routine basis, all of this is way over my head.  According to evolutionary biologist William Rice, epi-marks are “extra layers of information that control how certain genes are expressed,” I’m assuming kinda like a Broadway director/choreographer.  He goes on to explain that “these epi-marks are usually, but not always, erased between generations (i.e. fired before opening night).  In homosexuals, these epi-marks aren’t erased.  They’re passed from father-to-daughter or mother-to-son.”  Brings a whole new meaning to the phrases ‘daddy’s girl’ and ‘momma’s boy’ don’t it. 

The article goes on about these epi-marks and something about the parents’ over or under exposure to testosterone and the transferring of this surplus or deficiency to the fetus resulting in the masculinization of the baby girls and the feminization of the baby boys thereby creating the Broadway cast of…(fill in the blank) or the United States Softball league.  I guess that means that butch gay men and girly lesbians are a lot like unicorns.  We would really like for them to exist but scientifically speaking….

And where does all this hullaballoo take place?  In the womb.  I always thought my psychic advisor was pulling my leg when she brought me back to present day after regressing me back to a prenatal state and told me that I was apparently an ‘epi-mark whore’ who couldn’t get enough and held onto my epi-marks with a fetal death-grip tighter than a Tennessee tick on Tuesday.  But then I remembered what the womb was like after the testosterone depravation.  I single-handedly turned a sparse house into a home, a womb that reflected the new me, warm, inviting, resilient and worth more when I left than before I got there.

                                                        

But the truly astounding scientific discovery isn’t contained in the womb or even in the article.  It’s in the comments after the article.  The phobes swarmed from the four corners of the internet and finally proved my own personal theory.  That hate can jump the faith/science barrier.  Here are just a few examples:

“By the way, homosexuality may be “common” in nature; so are ritual killing, cannibalism, torture and indiscriminate sexual behavior.  Should we emulate those too?”

“Tendencies are common – even in animals – but so are tendencies to laziness, aggressiveness, and over-eating.  Our society tries to address these through correction, training, and counseling.  Is same-gender attraction so different?”

And one troll who was so mad he had to yell it in all caps:

“BOTTOM LINE – JUST BECAUSE THEY FOUND A CONDITION NAME FOR YOU DOES NOT JUSTIFY YOU DEMANDING THE WORLD EMBRACE YOU.  ASK TO GET YOUR CONDITION FIXED!  PERIOD!

And there’s always that conspiracy troll who apparently thinks that all the folks over at the National Institute for Mathematical and Biological Synthesis are cleverly camouflaged homo-terrorists:          

“Stunning coincidence that this “scientific breakthrough” is reported the same week that SCOTUS decides to take up gay marriage.”

Oh god, how I love it when the phobes read science articles.  Aside from having ritualistic indiscriminate sexual behavior just before torturing and cannibalizing (and totally over-eating) my same-sex partner aggressively, it’s the best thing I know.

                                                                                                              

It is also comforting to know that when the day comes that a person’s sexual orientation can be completely explained scientifically (good luck), that there will still be phobes around to play with….until they find a cure.  But, until then, with a little sadness I say farewell to ‘abomination’ and with more than a little excitement I say hello ‘birth defect’ because this birth defect just loves to play.