CLIMATE CHANGE

CLIMATE CHANGE

By:  Randy Gillis

 

 

Hi believers! And by 'believer' I mean believers of all stripes.  I don't want anyone to think I'm picking on a specific group.  Anyway, there is change in the air!  I just read a quote by one of your leaders (see below).

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." –Pat Robertson

I have to admit, he may be on to something.  Of course he is being a bit of a screamer, I mean "More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history," is a bit of a stretch if you ask me (or Native-Americans, or African-Americans, or women, or.......),  and to be perfectly honest, the Phelps clan over at Westboro Baptist Church (your brothers and sisters in arms) have done far more damage to you than we homos could ever hope to achieve.  All that aside, I think he has a more concrete reason to be worried.  After all, according to The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, one-in-five adults have no religious affiliation.

"In the last 5 years alone, the unaffiliated have increased from just over 15% to just under 20% of all U.S. adults.  Their ranks include more than 13 million self-described atheists and agnostics (nearly 6% of the U.S. public)."

The writing is on the wall and, barring a totally earth ass-kicking asteroid, a freshly mutated virus, global financial collapse resulting in a zombie apocalypse, or some other example of the earth's insistence on following its own path (one that obviously doesn't include us),....or god's holy wrath (whichever you prefer), it looks like your time in the sun is drawing to a close.   I feel like the only humane thing to do is offer you some advice as someone who has been where you are going.  Say goodbye to the daylight and hello to the underground.

Once your numbers shrink down to about, 3 to 10% of the general population (your enemies will insist it's actually 1% but you will be convinced it's no less than 30%), you will have to 'wonder in the wilderness' as they say.  Many of you will live out lifetimes in isolation, thinking you are a freak or a monster.  The only connections you will make with those like yourself will be fleeting and probably involve alleyways or public restrooms, or worse...mall parking lots.

As no one will be able to tell who you are by outward appearances, you will strive to blend in by utilizing self-censorship and by practicing a sturdy gait and a firm handshake.  You will sit quietly or even join in as friends and family feel free to mock and ridicule believers with a combination of revulsion and disgust. 

After several generations of this, something will occur that will send large numbers of you into the city where you will be astounded to find out that you are not the only one.  You will need to develop ways of identifying each other in public without drawing attention to yourself.  I would go with the eyes.  A simple glance that lasts just a beat too long should do it.  I predict it will be all the more efficient considering that in the future, eye contact between anyone, will be a rarity.  Or, perhaps a specifically colored bow tie (they'll be around forever!).  I would shy away from toe-tapping.  That's been done to death and could jeopardize your political career.  But you're a creative people, you'll figure something out.

After a few decades of this, you will grow tired of the fear, intimidation, and constant threat of  exposure and incarceration (with sentences varying but maxing out at 10 years imprisonment).  You will decide to organize.  It will be difficult as your enemies will smell your courage and mobilize a vast propaganda machine to strike you first and often, hardening public opinion against you.

I wish I had more time to go over all the other stuff you will be facing; the medical experimentations (your brains will be dissected to compare with those of non-believers to try to devise a cure, probably something adjusted intrauterine during the 4th-6th month of gestation), psychological abuse (are you crazy, or are you not crazy), bullying, and of course the violence, but you're a resilient people, you'll come through with shining colors.

You will need meeting places for people who share your yearnings, something less conspicuous and only slightly more garish than what you have now.  I would suggest something small, located in a back alley of the meat packing district in any major city, preferably run by some kind of organized crime syndicate to help keep the law off your back.  There, you will be able to pray openly so long as there's a man by the light switch to warn you when the cops arrive.

This is the most important piece of advice I have for you.  Once the bravest of you begin to take stands, you are going to need allies.  Fortunately for you, liberals love a good cause.  Soon you will be joined by others not of your ilk.  And you are going to need them.  Your enemies will be well financed and well connected politically.  The amount of money and manpower it will take to dismantle all the laws and legislative restrictions against you will be formidable (after all, freedom is only the first prize in a popularity contest) but you're a stubborn people and you won't give up.

And after all the bloody battles and step-by-step victories, who knows, you may even enjoy a brief time in the sun again....before you start splintering off into bickering, back-stabbing factions that eventually fracture into violent schisms that......ah shit, who am I kidding.  Where's that asteroid?