ALL GAY DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

ALL GAY DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

 

By:  Randy Gillis

 

 

I love the magic moment when that light bulb comes on in your head, and something that as been eluding you, is suddenly clear (it happens so rarely for me these days).  I was reading the story from Tennessee (why is it always Tennessee?) about the bulldog that was surrendered by its owner when he "mounted another male dog."  Yes, a gay dog was dumped at the pound.

 

Okay, first of all, why is it that whenever gay dog-on-dog action is discussed, terms like "mounted another male dog" is used as opposed to, say, "made sweet love to another male dog?"  It's all in the wording kids.  That's why the gay-haters always use the term 'homosexual' instead of 'gay'.  'Homosexual' is distancing, clinical, and scary, and 'gay' is furry and friendly.

 

Anyway, the representative from the Tennessee Rabies Control Center gave me the clue I needed, the final piece of the puzzle, if you will:

 

"Dogs will hunch certain items, and other animals, and they have been known to hunch people.  That don't necessarily mean they're gay.  It means they either want to show dominance, or an over display of affection, or just a random maybe wanting to mate."

So, dogs are a lot like teenage boys.  I started going through all the usual suspects of why so many straight men hate gay men.  First up was the 'icky' sex part but then I thought, surely straight men know about hygiene.  I mean, everybody cleans themselves, if for no other reason, then for their partners, right?  Isn't that a universal common courtesy?  Certainly they must be familiar with the miracles of soap and water. Of course they are, because as we all know by now, straight people have more gay sex than gay people ever thought about, so that theory was blown (hehe). 

Then, I thought about the specific words 'mounted another male dog' and thought, well, maybe to straight men, sex really is a form of domination and...ownership, for lack of a better word.  It's certainly a common theme in porn (gay or straight, so I'm told).  You know, the old 'there are two types of people in this world; the penetraTORS and their penetratWHORES' theory.  But then I remembered Margaret Cho's famous commentary about straight men and their universal love for strap-ons, so that wasn't it.  (The strap-on bit starts at 1:30.)

Of course, next is the 'homophobia as a thinly veiled hatred of women' theory (one of my favorites), because whenever homo-hating straight men are confronted with a same sex couple they're dying to know who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in the bedroom. 

And as Quentin Crisp summarized brilliantly; "There's no sin like being a woman."  It's why sissy boys always, always, always have a harder time of it than tomboys.  But then I remembered the MEN OF STALLION series (that a friend told me about) that certainly challenges the notion of what 'sissy' really means.

And lastly, the one theory that has more solid clinical data to support it than any of the others, the 'straight guys who hate gay guys aren't really all that straight' theory.   



So, it's totally understandable that with all these swirling, competing theories about why so many straight guys hate gay guys swimming about, that the true reason got lost for the longest time.  But thanks to a misguided pet owner in Tennessee, we now know that those guys are actually afraid that their over displays of affection for their buddies will ultimately end with ....EUTHANASIA.