CLIMATE CHANGE

CLIMATE CHANGE

By:  Randy Gillis

 

 

Hi believers! And by 'believer' I mean believers of all stripes.  I don't want anyone to think I'm picking on a specific group.  Anyway, there is change in the air!  I just read a quote by one of your leaders (see below).

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." –Pat Robertson

I have to admit, he may be on to something.  Of course he is being a bit of a screamer, I mean "More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history," is a bit of a stretch if you ask me (or Native-Americans, or African-Americans, or women, or.......),  and to be perfectly honest, the Phelps clan over at Westboro Baptist Church (your brothers and sisters in arms) have done far more damage to you than we homos could ever hope to achieve.  All that aside, I think he has a more concrete reason to be worried.  After all, according to The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, one-in-five adults have no religious affiliation.

"In the last 5 years alone, the unaffiliated have increased from just over 15% to just under 20% of all U.S. adults.  Their ranks include more than 13 million self-described atheists and agnostics (nearly 6% of the U.S. public)."

The writing is on the wall and, barring a totally earth ass-kicking asteroid, a freshly mutated virus, global financial collapse resulting in a zombie apocalypse, or some other example of the earth's insistence on following its own path (one that obviously doesn't include us),....or god's holy wrath (whichever you prefer), it looks like your time in the sun is drawing to a close.   I feel like the only humane thing to do is offer you some advice as someone who has been where you are going.  Say goodbye to the daylight and hello to the underground.

Once your numbers shrink down to about, 3 to 10% of the general population (your enemies will insist it's actually 1% but you will be convinced it's no less than 30%), you will have to 'wonder in the wilderness' as they say.  Many of you will live out lifetimes in isolation, thinking you are a freak or a monster.  The only connections you will make with those like yourself will be fleeting and probably involve alleyways or public restrooms, or worse...mall parking lots.

As no one will be able to tell who you are by outward appearances, you will strive to blend in by utilizing self-censorship and by practicing a sturdy gait and a firm handshake.  You will sit quietly or even join in as friends and family feel free to mock and ridicule believers with a combination of revulsion and disgust. 

After several generations of this, something will occur that will send large numbers of you into the city where you will be astounded to find out that you are not the only one.  You will need to develop ways of identifying each other in public without drawing attention to yourself.  I would go with the eyes.  A simple glance that lasts just a beat too long should do it.  I predict it will be all the more efficient considering that in the future, eye contact between anyone, will be a rarity.  Or, perhaps a specifically colored bow tie (they'll be around forever!).  I would shy away from toe-tapping.  That's been done to death and could jeopardize your political career.  But you're a creative people, you'll figure something out.

After a few decades of this, you will grow tired of the fear, intimidation, and constant threat of  exposure and incarceration (with sentences varying but maxing out at 10 years imprisonment).  You will decide to organize.  It will be difficult as your enemies will smell your courage and mobilize a vast propaganda machine to strike you first and often, hardening public opinion against you.

I wish I had more time to go over all the other stuff you will be facing; the medical experimentations (your brains will be dissected to compare with those of non-believers to try to devise a cure, probably something adjusted intrauterine during the 4th-6th month of gestation), psychological abuse (are you crazy, or are you not crazy), bullying, and of course the violence, but you're a resilient people, you'll come through with shining colors.

You will need meeting places for people who share your yearnings, something less conspicuous and only slightly more garish than what you have now.  I would suggest something small, located in a back alley of the meat packing district in any major city, preferably run by some kind of organized crime syndicate to help keep the law off your back.  There, you will be able to pray openly so long as there's a man by the light switch to warn you when the cops arrive.

This is the most important piece of advice I have for you.  Once the bravest of you begin to take stands, you are going to need allies.  Fortunately for you, liberals love a good cause.  Soon you will be joined by others not of your ilk.  And you are going to need them.  Your enemies will be well financed and well connected politically.  The amount of money and manpower it will take to dismantle all the laws and legislative restrictions against you will be formidable (after all, freedom is only the first prize in a popularity contest) but you're a stubborn people and you won't give up.

And after all the bloody battles and step-by-step victories, who knows, you may even enjoy a brief time in the sun again....before you start splintering off into bickering, back-stabbing factions that eventually fracture into violent schisms that......ah shit, who am I kidding.  Where's that asteroid?



FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

By:  Randy Gillis

 

I couldn't quite believe what I was reading.  I had just stumbled into my office chair with my bowl of cereal and was checking my usual sites when I spotted something on Facebook.  It was an article from i09 with the headline 'Meterorite Explodes Over Russia'.  Honestly, my first thought was that some asshole CGI students had struck again.  I'm still feeling the burn from the whole 'Eagle nearly flies off with toddler' fiasco. 

I go to the site and read the story and then I watched the videos.  I sat there, dumbfounded.  I played the videos over and over again.  Especially the ones that caught the sonic boom.  Maybe it's living through countless end-times dates, maybe it's watching unregulated capitalists rape the world (and its inhabitants) for something as trivial and ultimately meaningless as wealth, maybe it's watching as the current culture devolves into corporate sponsored lunacy and ignorance, maybe it's the fact that within minutes, some were declaring that a meteorite exploding over Russia is a warning from god because gays can now get married in Illinois, but whatever the reason, a feeling of euphoria began to creep over me.

There's just no other word for it, and I was confounded by it.  For the rest of the day, absolutely nothing bothered me in the slightest.  The concept of work just flew right out the window.  All the trivial daily worries evaporated.  When I went for my daily walk on a local trail, everything seemed crystal clear and vividly bright.  The feeling followed me the rest of the day.

I wasn't hoping to see mass destruction, nor did I want to see global suffering that will no doubt come with a mass population thinning (which we are way overdue for).  I think I was focusing in on what a sudden, cataclysmic event could mean for us in the biggest picture I can imagine because maybe I think it will take nothing less for us to finally break through into something better.  It will have to be something that happens without warning and huge enough that it acts as a reset button for us.  A clean slate.

Not that I have any idea what should be put on that slate.  But I know the concept of money has to die and it has to die hard.  It can't go out quietly.  It has to be a screaming, agonizing, 'see you in hell' kind of death that involves fire and broken glass.  While we're cleaning house, I can think of a few other things that the next phase of human existence could do with out.  Religion (every single last one of them) and American Idol come to mind (almost simultaneously). 

As I was contemplating all of this, Patricia walked past the door.  I called her in.  "If that had been a really big meteor that explode over Russia this morning, what kind world would rise from the ashes?" I asked.  "Still chasing that Star Trek silver lining?" she asked.  "Just answer the question," I shot back.  "What kind of world should replace this one?"  She thought for a moment, tapping her chin for extra emphasis.  "It really wouldn't matter to me," she said, "as long as I can consume lots of vagina."  (I'm paraphrasing of course.)  I suppose it was a silly question.

 

WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?

WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?

By:  Randy Gillis

Dear LGBT Students of Sullivan High School,

 

PURPOSE:  The reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.

I've been thinking a lot about that word lately, thanks to Special Education teacher Diana Medley (not affiliated with Sullivan High School).  I, along with the rest of the country, listened, slack-jawed as Ms. Medley made several statements about the gay students at your school (and gay people in general) that defies comprehension. 

She is supporting a group of christian students at your school as they lobby for a separate 'traditonal prom' where you will not be welcomed. 

To listen as a special education teacher says that she believes god created everyone equal is bewildering enough.  I suppose the examples of the flaws in that theory that sit in front of her on a daily basis have failed to make an impression.  My mother taught me as a child that this idea that god created us equally is but a ruse created by people who want to criticize and/or judge their fellow human beings without guilt or responsibility.  We are not created 'equally' and though  I don't know anything about god's eyes, we are most certainly not equal in each other's eyes.

But let's put that aside.  Ms. Medley went on to make a statement that I had to rewind several times just to make sure I had heard her correctly.  When the reporter asked her if she thought gay people had a purpose in life, she shook her head, smiled and said, "No, I don't, I personally don't, I'm sorry."

For an educator to make such a statement was inexcusable...I thought.  But I've finally come to the conclusion that Ms Medley's purpose is directly related to you.  Here's what I think she is trying to get you to do:

1.  To steel your wool.
2.  To open your eyes.
3.  To wake you up.
4.  To spur you into action (if not now, then she's planted the seed for down the road).
5.  To stiffen your spine.
6.  To toughen your hide.
7.  To force you to question.....EVERYTHING.
8.  To inspire you to take a stand.
9.  To give you a reason to seek each other out.
10. To get you involved.
11. To be counted.
12. To research.
13. To teach you not to yield to a belief that belittles.
14. To find your voice.

As LGBT people, you are so very special and you will be punished for it.  You will also find out just how incredibly strong, smart, creative, resourceful, resilient, loving, essential and immeasurably...... purposeful you all are.

And as for Ms. Medley, well, I think she has served her purpose very well indeed.

Sincerely,
Randy

RANDY AND KYLE AT THE MOVIES

RANDY AND  KYLE AT THE MOVIES

By:  Randy Gillis

It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting in front of my computer watching Netflix as Kyle is furiously pacing back and forth by my open office door, his hooved feet clomping like a Clydesdale.  He stops in the doorway and bellows, “You know there’s a pecking order in hell right?  I’m trying to move up, but you won’t help me!”  “What are you yammering on about now,” I asked, without looking up.  “You!” he screamed.  “What kind of gay man sits alone on a Saturday night?”  I finally look at him.  “I’d say the majority, but that would just be a guess and wow, you’re a lot redder than usual.”

Kyle stomps into the office and stands over my shoulder.  “Well, what are you watching?  Tell me it’s porn.  Give me some hope,” he pleaded.  “Bear…something,” I said.  “Oh cool, it is porn,” Kyle sighed.  “It’s not porn but the director has obviously used the same talent pool,” I said.  At that point Kyle actually looked at the screen.  “Oh hooray, it’s a Gay themed movie!  Scoot over,” he squealed as he nudged me to one side.  I hate it when he wants to sit with me.

 

“So what’s this one about?” he asked as he tilted the screen slightly to his favor.  “Well, as best as I can tell, it’s about the lives, loves and losses of a group of old, hairy, out of shape gay men and the barely legal stud puppies who admire them.”   “Ah,” Kyle replied.  “I can see what draws you to this material.”  “I am not hairy!” I screamed.  “And you also don’t have that ‘stud puppy admirer’ problem either,” he added.  Yes, Kyle is a bitch.

 

“See that guy,” I said, pointing at the screen.  “He’s the alpha silver-back bear.  I can tell by the constant half-smile smirk on his face, the braidable gray back hair and the hyper-confident, chest forward gait he uses to propel himself through the first 45 minutes of this film.  He is also the only ‘bear’ cast member with a BMI of less than 35.”

“Wow!” Kyle exclaimed, “A bear-o-phobic gay man.”   “I am not bear-o-phobic,” I protested.  “I find all types of men attractive, but since when does being a bear give you license to live like a pig.  I mean, just before you walked in I was treated to a shower scene, and, by-the-way, this is the kind of gay movie where everyone looks sweaty, even in the shower, where a nice bear couple were engaged in a grotesque tug of war with a third bear they invited into their lives, that ended with urination.  At that point I was lost as to where to put my emotions.  I mean, what does the director want me to feel here?  Is this supposed to make me laugh?  Or is he trying to get me to run out and buy deodorant?”  “You’ve obviously never seen ‘MAKEN BACON III – Wallowing with the Herd,” Kyle retorted.  “Well, actually, I did see about 4 minutes of that,” I confessed with a hint of shame.  “Hypocrite,” Kyle sniffed.   

“Who would have thought,” he added, “that when they were handing out assignments in hell, I’d wind up with a moralizing Mo.”  “Okay, now just hold it right there,” I insisted.  “Why is it moralizing to think that sex should be treated as, oh, I don’t know, maybe slightly higher than a body function?”  “Oh, shut up and watch the movie,” Kyle snorted.

We sat in silence, watching as the plot thickened and the stakes grew higher.  “What is it that back alley leather bars nestled in the heart of the meat-packing district, (which is always the location of these bars regardless of the city) have against climate control?” I asked rhetorically.  “You just can’t walk around wearing that much leather over that much natural insulation without air-conditioning.”  I heard Kyle sigh.  I love slowly chipping away at his patience.  “Everybody in this film looks itchy and I’m having sympathy sweat right now.” Kyle ignored me. 

“Oh, who is that?” he finally asked, pointing at the screen, obviously enamored.  “That’s the, I would guess, 19-year-old incoming freshman at NYU that the alpha bear is in love with and I get the impression that the alpha bear has been coming in freshmen at NYU for a long, long time.  He just has that look, you know, when someone has had way too much sex.  They all look moist with a hint of hepatitis and their auras are a bit crusty.  Or maybe that’s just the gray, head-to-toe 5 o’clock (the next day) shadow.”  “Well, I guess that explains why your aura is dry and smooth as a baby’s butt,” Kyle chuckles.  “Hey!” I screamed.  “I’m just choosey!”   

As the movie progresses Kyle gets way more in to it than I do.  I look over and see him sniffing back tears.  “And you’re crying because?” I asked.  “It’s just so sweet,” Kyle choked.  “Alpha is so distraught over losing his little queerling.”  “Yeah,” I said.  “He is so angst-ridden he can barely make the sex with that stranger in the shower.  I can tell by the way he’s scrunching his eyebrows that he’s devastated.  And what’s the deal with showers in this movie?”  I asked.  “This is the second shower scene in the same movie that’s disturbed me far more than PSYCHO.”  “That’s his rebound guy,” Kyle said, fixated on the screen, “and he’s hot as hell!”  “Well,” I huffed, “by my last count that’s his second rebound guy during the same shower.”   

“Boy!” Kyle barked, “I’ve got my work cut out for me with you.  If you can’t even see the love when it…”  “What are you talking about,” I interrupted sarcastically.  “It’s obvious to anyone watching that this old geezer has undoubtedly found his soul-mate, if soul-mate means through the weekend.”

Kyle leapt to his hooves and stomped to the doorway and stopped.  He spun around.  “You are worse than Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen!” he hissed as he walked out of the office.  “Oh, yeah!” I screamed after him.  “Well, I wouldn’t have slept with Humphrey Bogart (okay, I would have but I didn't want him to know that) so I guess that makes me better than Katharine Hepburn!”  

 

 



ALL GAY DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

ALL GAY DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

 

By:  Randy Gillis

 

 

I love the magic moment when that light bulb comes on in your head, and something that as been eluding you, is suddenly clear (it happens so rarely for me these days).  I was reading the story from Tennessee (why is it always Tennessee?) about the bulldog that was surrendered by its owner when he "mounted another male dog."  Yes, a gay dog was dumped at the pound.

 

Okay, first of all, why is it that whenever gay dog-on-dog action is discussed, terms like "mounted another male dog" is used as opposed to, say, "made sweet love to another male dog?"  It's all in the wording kids.  That's why the gay-haters always use the term 'homosexual' instead of 'gay'.  'Homosexual' is distancing, clinical, and scary, and 'gay' is furry and friendly.

 

Anyway, the representative from the Tennessee Rabies Control Center gave me the clue I needed, the final piece of the puzzle, if you will:

 

"Dogs will hunch certain items, and other animals, and they have been known to hunch people.  That don't necessarily mean they're gay.  It means they either want to show dominance, or an over display of affection, or just a random maybe wanting to mate."

So, dogs are a lot like teenage boys.  I started going through all the usual suspects of why so many straight men hate gay men.  First up was the 'icky' sex part but then I thought, surely straight men know about hygiene.  I mean, everybody cleans themselves, if for no other reason, then for their partners, right?  Isn't that a universal common courtesy?  Certainly they must be familiar with the miracles of soap and water. Of course they are, because as we all know by now, straight people have more gay sex than gay people ever thought about, so that theory was blown (hehe). 

Then, I thought about the specific words 'mounted another male dog' and thought, well, maybe to straight men, sex really is a form of domination and...ownership, for lack of a better word.  It's certainly a common theme in porn (gay or straight, so I'm told).  You know, the old 'there are two types of people in this world; the penetraTORS and their penetratWHORES' theory.  But then I remembered Margaret Cho's famous commentary about straight men and their universal love for strap-ons, so that wasn't it.  (The strap-on bit starts at 1:30.)

Of course, next is the 'homophobia as a thinly veiled hatred of women' theory (one of my favorites), because whenever homo-hating straight men are confronted with a same sex couple they're dying to know who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in the bedroom. 

And as Quentin Crisp summarized brilliantly; "There's no sin like being a woman."  It's why sissy boys always, always, always have a harder time of it than tomboys.  But then I remembered the MEN OF STALLION series (that a friend told me about) that certainly challenges the notion of what 'sissy' really means.

And lastly, the one theory that has more solid clinical data to support it than any of the others, the 'straight guys who hate gay guys aren't really all that straight' theory.   



So, it's totally understandable that with all these swirling, competing theories about why so many straight guys hate gay guys swimming about, that the true reason got lost for the longest time.  But thanks to a misguided pet owner in Tennessee, we now know that those guys are actually afraid that their over displays of affection for their buddies will ultimately end with ....EUTHANASIA.