THE
TROUBLE WITH TRANNIES
By: Randy Gillis
Captain’s log.
Just kidding! I’ve always wanted
to start a non-pornographic piece with those words. Anyway, let me get my credentials out there
quickly. I proudly, joyously,
belligerently, consider myself to be a tranny (in mind if not in body). Trannyism has nothing to do with plumbing (okay,
maybe a little to do with plumbing). But,
it’s also about a mindset, a worldview, a sensibility, it’s the gift that
allows you to see through eyes not hampered by gender roles or rules. It’s why we find team sports and war so
tiresome. But, for some, it’s about
plumbing.
And, much like the L’s, G’s, B’s, and Q’s (and
whatever other letter we arbitrarily decide to co-opt), there are hundreds of
subspecies of T’s out there. There’s the Vegas showgirl trannies, the
mid-western housewife trannies, the drag queen to tranny converts (thanks
RuPaul!), the square state trannies, and the ‘ass-on-my-shoulders, politically
ultra-correct, sense of humor gone the way of the penis’ transsexuals (trans-woman
or trans-man for short because that’s not offensive like ‘tranny’). But I wish they all could be California
trannies. And now, the newest category
to the tranny family, the white, rich, privileged, conservative, republican, entitled,
Christian, granny tranny, or, as I affectionately like to say…Bruce. I’m not throwing shade, I’m totally one
too. Well, except for the rich, conservative,
republican, Christian part.I remember Bruce Jenner back in the day, with those short-shorts and those legs. I prayed to the gods that he would be on my team (and when Can’t Stop the Music came out, I thought the gods were listening). I should have been more specific.
I asked Patricia (my lesbian wife) the other night
what kind of tranny she considers me to be.
When she answered, I politely pointed out that ‘boring, bitchy,
bellyaching, old tranny queen’ was not among the options. But let’s get back to Bruce.
It probably shouldn’t have shocked (disappointed, bewildered, astounded, infuriated, saddened to the point of urinary incontinence) me as much as it did. But it did. It felt like a betrayal. I hear ‘Bruce Jenner is a woman,’ and I’ve got the pom-poms out and I’m practicing my splits in order to give her a proper cheer, and then I hear ‘blah, blah, blah, Republican, blah, blah, blah, Christian,’ and I turn into Daffy Duck, staring dumbfounded, with my jaw on the floor.
It probably shouldn’t have shocked (disappointed, bewildered, astounded, infuriated, saddened to the point of urinary incontinence) me as much as it did. But it did. It felt like a betrayal. I hear ‘Bruce Jenner is a woman,’ and I’ve got the pom-poms out and I’m practicing my splits in order to give her a proper cheer, and then I hear ‘blah, blah, blah, Republican, blah, blah, blah, Christian,’ and I turn into Daffy Duck, staring dumbfounded, with my jaw on the floor.
I’m sure there are scads of reasons for why a prominent
letter in the alphabet soup of sexual anarchy would turn all republicany and
christiany. But I can only think of
maybe two. Actually, just
one….money. Because in this country, at
this time, money trumps everything, especially humanity. And I don’t want to generalize but it seems
money creates a rightward lean the more of it you have in your pocket.
How else could you justify aligning yourself with the two human institutions that are peerless in their relentless attacks on the very community you want to claim as yours? Or do you want to claim it? I would be lying if I didn’t own up to the fact that, in a small corner of my mind, I harbor the thought that maybe some trannies don’t want to be the ‘T’ in LGBT. They want ‘normalcy’ so badly they want to distance themselves from all the messiness of the community at large. I’ve even heard whispers of some trannies who don’t support marriage equality. But in fairness, there are queers out there who don’t support marriage equality as well. We hate them too.
All of these conflicting attributes and trying to
juggle a meaning out of them is playing havoc with my dreams. Just the other night, I was dreaming I was
having massive sex with Harrison Ford while hanging on to the ropes of a swing
bridge dangling on the side of a cliff, over a river of crocodiles (or was it
alligators?), you know, my typical recurring dream, when all of a sudden, I
lost my grip on Harrison’s…lifeline, and fell into the open mouth of a tranny
hippo carrying a republican armadillo.
As the hippo’s mouth began to close I heard the armadillo’s whispered
words, ‘I believe in the constitution.’
I began flailing wildly and would have knocked Patricia out of bed, but
even in REM sleep her reflexes are like a snake and she soon had me restrained
and snatched from the jaws of tranny horror with nothing but her dove’s coo of
a voice shrieking ‘wake the fuck up’!
When my breathing returned to normal, and Patricia released her grip, I told her what I had just been through. Her only response was, ‘you’ve got to stop watching The Temple of Doom for Christ’s sake. As she rolled over to return to sleep I asked her if she would do Bruce Jenner once his journey is complete. She yawned and said, “Why would I settle for store-bought when I can get fresh from the sea?” As is becoming the case more and more frequently with Patricia these days, I’m not exactly sure what she meant by that, but I’m pretty sure it was offensive.
So, here we are Bruce. I don’t know where exactly to file you yet, but, we are all still learning. Maybe time will help clear things up for us both. Until then, I promise to be supportive (of the tranny part). And when the dust settles and if you decide to go lesbian, give me a holler. Patricia buys from the store all the time.
How else could you justify aligning yourself with the two human institutions that are peerless in their relentless attacks on the very community you want to claim as yours? Or do you want to claim it? I would be lying if I didn’t own up to the fact that, in a small corner of my mind, I harbor the thought that maybe some trannies don’t want to be the ‘T’ in LGBT. They want ‘normalcy’ so badly they want to distance themselves from all the messiness of the community at large. I’ve even heard whispers of some trannies who don’t support marriage equality. But in fairness, there are queers out there who don’t support marriage equality as well. We hate them too.
All of these conflicting attributes and trying to
juggle a meaning out of them is playing havoc with my dreams. Just the other night, I was dreaming I was
having massive sex with Harrison Ford while hanging on to the ropes of a swing
bridge dangling on the side of a cliff, over a river of crocodiles (or was it
alligators?), you know, my typical recurring dream, when all of a sudden, I
lost my grip on Harrison’s…lifeline, and fell into the open mouth of a tranny
hippo carrying a republican armadillo.
As the hippo’s mouth began to close I heard the armadillo’s whispered
words, ‘I believe in the constitution.’
I began flailing wildly and would have knocked Patricia out of bed, but
even in REM sleep her reflexes are like a snake and she soon had me restrained
and snatched from the jaws of tranny horror with nothing but her dove’s coo of
a voice shrieking ‘wake the fuck up’!
When my breathing returned to normal, and Patricia released her grip, I told her what I had just been through. Her only response was, ‘you’ve got to stop watching The Temple of Doom for Christ’s sake. As she rolled over to return to sleep I asked her if she would do Bruce Jenner once his journey is complete. She yawned and said, “Why would I settle for store-bought when I can get fresh from the sea?” As is becoming the case more and more frequently with Patricia these days, I’m not exactly sure what she meant by that, but I’m pretty sure it was offensive.
So, here we are Bruce. I don’t know where exactly to file you yet, but, we are all still learning. Maybe time will help clear things up for us both. Until then, I promise to be supportive (of the tranny part). And when the dust settles and if you decide to go lesbian, give me a holler. Patricia buys from the store all the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment