RANDY & PATRICIA RUB ONE OUT

RANDY & PATRICIA RUB ONE OUT

by: Randy Gillis 

 

 

I was doing some deep knee bends in the kitchen when Patricia walked through the door carrying our dinner, two #3’s from Wendy’s (I’d forgiven them for pulling their advertising from Ellen’s famous coming out episode back in 1997 with the advent of ‘the Baconator’).  She walked passed me and put the food on the counter and pulled out some paper plates.  “You’re really going through with this?” she asked.  “I have to,” I panted, “I have to make a change in my life.”

How, oh how, did people survive without ‘Lifestyle Designers’?  I was a bundle of energy after visiting Tim Ferriss’ blog and accepting the NOBNOM challenge.  For 30 days men vow to abstain.  No Booze, No Masturbation.  Well, the booze part is easy.  I have exactly one frozen margarita per year.  Now, as for masturbation, I knew I’d have my hands full with that one.  But I’m feeling really up for it.

I switched to push-ups as Patricia began unpacking the seductively glorious, grease-soaked foils to my efforts.  “I’m really getting a déjà vu sort-of-a vibe with this.  Do you remember that little ‘ex-gay’ thing you tried a while back?” she asked coyly.  I grunted, counted off number 5, and collapsed on my belly.  “You made it, what, 45 minutes?” she needled.  I looked up, breathless.  “It’s already been almost 9 hours, and I feel great!” I boasted. 

Based on what I’ve read on his blog (including comments from guys offering support), Alpha males don’t masturbate.  Okay, maybe they do, but it’s a time-waster, especially when coupled with booze and porn.  It makes you weak, indifferent, lethargic, passive, etc., all ‘beta male’ characteristics. Patricia bent down and put a French fry in my mouth.  “Sweetie, I’ve told you before, I’m the Alpha male in this household,” she said, patting my head.  “But you are a solid second in command.” 

She walked back to the kitchen counter and sat down.  I groaned my way up to my knees and then to my feet and hobbled over to her.  “Well, according to Tim Ferriss, I will be 50-100% more productive during these 30 days,” I said with a slight wheeze.  “Great,” she said, “I’ll make you a ‘to do’ list.”  “Hey, maybe you should try this with me,” I suggested.

You know that split second of unearthly silence that happens in horror films right before an explosion, or hatchet murder, or someone just showing up behind you?  Patricia looked piercingly into my eyes.  “Do you have any idea just how many people are walking around alive today for no other reason than because I DO masturbate on a regular basis?” she stated matter-of-factly.  “My masturbation is a service to humanity and worthy of some sort of ‘peace prize’.  The fact that I have a biological pressure release mechanism so conveniently located has already saved the life of one pimply-faced drive-thru ass-wipe with an attitude, today alone.  Now, if you want to follow the lead of some hyper-inflated, blustering, egotistical, alpha asshole of a banty rooster, pushing his snake oil by shaming self-love, then that’s on you.” 

I sat, silently, stunned again by Patricia’s rapid-fire response. As I was mulling over what she said, she reached into her Wendy’s bag.  “Why, what do we have here?” she mused.  She pulled out something in plastic. “Why lookie here, a Han Solo action figure. Is that timing or what?”  I watched as she removed the figure from its plastic confinement.  “Ooh, Randy, his arms move,” she teased.  I refused to react.
What happened next is the result of that ‘whatever it takes’ school of winning that would make Mr. Ferriss proud.  “Hey,” she added, “have you seen the latest porn parody of Star Wars?”  I braced myself for the death blow.  “Yeah, I hear there’s a scene with Han Solo and Lando Calrissian that’s like 20 minutes long.” I furiously snatched the figure from her hands.  “I hate you.” I muttered through clenched jaws as I headed to my bedroom.

And now, a special message from Randy & Patricia:  We hope you enjoyed our little dramatization.  We simply want to let young and old alike know that masturbation is……AWESOME!  Really, it’s fun, it feels fantastic, is available as an option virtually any time of day or night (especially if you don’t mind the occasional fine and subsequent police record), it relieves tension and stress, for men it’s essential for prostate health, and it’s a better sleep instigator than any pill.  And frankly, at my age, that fact that I can still manage it routinely is a source of pride.

With porn and booze or without, although I personally I prefer without because you can create an entire universe based on your most depraved fantasies and no one gets hurt. In my case, I’ve helped Harrison Ford reach his full potential in thousands of ways. You can even replay your actual sexual experiences and get them right this time. And as Patricia rightfully points out, negative energy redirected through nature’s fire extinguisher equals many less homicides per year.

And most importantly of all, never ever let anyone attempt to shame you for something so natural and amazing and…..yours.

So, relax, kick back, and rub one out.  The life you save could be your own…..or a pimply-faced drive-thru ass-wipe with an attitude.