FETUS, LOVE THYSELF

FETUS, LOVE THYSELF

By:  Randy Gillis

 

I’ll never forget the first time I masturbated.  I was around 22 weeks gestation (I was a late bloomer), and thanks to Rep. Michael Burgess, R-Texas, I finally feel completely vindicated.  During the House Rules Committee debate  on the 'Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act,' he asserts that he has personally witnessed male fetuses with their hands “between their legs” pleasuring themselves.  I was personally outraged and horrified by his admission….until I realized he is a former OB/GYN and was referring to watching an Ultrasound and not a website that requires a membership and features fetal porn.

This is also great news for the Westboro Baptist Church.  Now they can identify the damned before they’re born and schedule protests for everything from 1^st birthday parties to kindergarten graduations, because really, we're at a point in this society where we need just half a reason to protest anything.  But let me back track just a bit.

I was having another argument with Patricia that started with a sincere question on my part.  I asked her why women had such a hang up about the gentle art of ‘rotating the tires’ when she somehow twisted it into something squalid.  She accused me of misogyny and I huffed “just like a woman,” under my breath.

After she won the slap fight, I told her of all the women I’ve asked about this who either claim (rather angrily if you ask me) to have “NEVER” touched themselves “EVER!”  Or grudgingly confessed to liking the hobby horses just a little too much but thanks to Jesus, it’s all okay now.   

Patricia assured me that uptightness is not specific to one gender or the other (or that 3^rd one). And she has the Carrie Prejean ‘educational’ bootleg video to prove it.  I conceded her point (not wishing to witness exhibit A) with the proviso that she concede that people in the entertainment industry are generally not the best examples of the general consensus on…..anything.

But back to the women I have spoken with.  Maybe it’s a small-town thing, maybe it’s a southern thing, maybe it’s a Christian thing, but these women acted as if just the thought of even accidentally ‘letting your fingers do the walking’ ranks right up there with murder and Satan worship. 

 I know it’s all a part of that whole ‘women are different’ thing and I believe it’s true, when it comes to this issue.  I recently read in Psychology Today that a recent study by Chicago sociologists revealed that out of a random sample of people across a wide age range that only 38% of women admitted to masturbating in the past year.  It’s the only way I can understand it because I can’t imagine why anyone would not want to spend quality time ‘adjusting the thermostat’.  I always considered it a part of routine body maintenance (one of the few that I actually look forward to).  I mean, for god's sake, if for no other reason, it's a better sleep facilitator than Tylenol Flu medication (and much cheaper).
 

The most shocking number was that only 61% of men admitted to masturbating in the past year.  The only conclusion that I can draw from this is that 39% of men in the Chicago area are filthy liars.

I know that Patricia doesn’t have a problem with it.  There have been many a night she has spent at my house when, in the middle of the night, I could swear I heard some kind of brawl happening in her room.  No wonder she can’t keep a girlfriend.  There’s very few that can match her intensity.



One of the silliest arguments I heard against ‘nursing the grudge’ was from a clinched, very prim churchy type.  She proclaimed with an authority earned from decades of self-denial, that it was a selfish act.  I told the woman that that was a lie, because all my male friends know that they barely have to ask and I would be more than happy to ‘lend a hand’.

So, all you fathers-to-be, the next time you are huddled around an Ultrasound screen with a roomful of strangers and Junior decides to launch into his solo, take a deep breath, hold you head high with shoulders back, smile broadly and proudly proclaim, “that’s my boy!”